undergrowl | you know it's just the way i am

[ squint ]

What kind of question is that.
Of course we are.

good--good!!!
i think so too! im rly glad
u never said that b4.

i had a weird dream w/ u in it a little bit ago!!

Well.
We are?
We have been for a while.

I've heard you sleeptalk during your dreams, though.
Not really sure I want to know.

since middle school, rite? :D

it was weird. there was a big wolf in it, and u saved me from it!
and then we talked abt a lot of stuff.
it was kinda confusing. but i talked 2 anya and i think it makes more sense now!!
except it was a dream
so ig those are always confusing

Yes, since middle school.
Even though we were actual rivals.

[ - wait. Wait wait wait. What. ]

Sawamura.
What did you and Anya talk about.

i thought that u were never nice 2 me
but anya said that ur nice to me and now ive been thinking about it!
ur nice to me a lot! and i never said thank u... for all the nice things that u do for me.
and thats not ok!!
so thank u
for making me food and catching with me and being my teammate and my batterymate and tutoring me in math, even tho i suck at it
i hope youll forgive this humble sawamura for not realizing things sooner

u kno
in the dream u said u *liked* me.

I don't

[ God, it took so much for him to even say what he did when he confessed. The fact that Eijun is bringing it up again now is just -

What does he say. How does he deal with this..? ]

I haven't really ever made it easy for you, though.
And I should probably apologize for it.
But you are my friend, and my pitcher.

And that
Wasn't a dream, Sawamura.
Or it was, technically, but it did happen.
I did actually say that.

[ ... ]

are u home right now?

[ Koushuu truly, honestly, wants to say no. He wants to say that he's not home, that he's not going to be home for a while, and drop this. But then he thinks about his conversation with Yukine over all of this, the very thing that bolstered him into confessing in the first place, and -

He takes a deep breath to brace himself, and just sends one word in reply. ]

Yeah.

[ koushuu's always lived close to eijun, since he moved to the city. it's been a comfort, for an eijun who claimed he was going to be his ~most helpful senpai~ and mostly just found himself comforted by the little piece of home. they've grown closer over the past two years, working together as a consistent battery, becoming recolle's most feared team, and eijun--is graduating, next year, always just one step ahead of koushuu.

and that's the only time he's ever ahead of him, really, because normally it feels the other way around. like in this. how long did koushuu-- the fact that he said something like that, and eijun didn't know--

well, that's what spurs him.

okumura might hear nothing at first. things might seem totally normal, but. there's a "hup!" noise from outside that is definitely eijun shutting the door to his balcony, the apartment directly on top of his, and swinging down to the bottom balcony like a monkey.

he lands with a thump, and then knocks on the window, looking a little impatient, practically vibrating. ]

[ After spending so much of his early years traveling - living in Japan and making his close friend he had to leave at the age of four, spending time drifting through Europe until living in France for a time, never really settling - it's good to have a constant, even if it's the unpredictable Eijun. But Koushuu knows him. He knows and trusts Eijun, despite his complaints about much of his behavior. They couldn't be any more different, most days, and just about everyone would agree.

But there's a spark there that's the same.

And Eijun Sawamura is the reason that his spark is thriving the way it is. The reason why Koushuu wants to play baseball with his all. Has renewed his passion to play for more than habit's sake.

He puts his phone down after texting Yukine, getting up from his seat at his desk and going over to open the window. His fingers feel a little cold, but he ignores it to regard his pitcher. Then, he steps aside. ]

... come on, then.

[ eijun didn't expect koushuu not to let him in, but he ends up smiling at him nonetheless--it's a typical sawamura smile, bright and toothy and from ear to ear. how could he not smile? okumura's confirmed something for him that he never really realized until today, and it's suddenly making things so much clearer, so much more obvious.

he hurries inside the window quickly, clambering in, all long limbs and having to duck to fit fully in the frame, but it's definitely worth it. as he pops out on the other side, he stays close to okumura though, never taking a step back, never afraid of anything. there's nothing in the world that makes sawamura eijun back down, no matter the situation, and though he doesn't really know what he's doing? he's not going to stop it. ]

I had to hear you, I probably should've--sorry. [ the words come out in a jumble, like he's still sorting his thoughts. ] I can't--tell what stuff means, sometimes, when we're texting, so I needed to come over!

[ he pauses. takes a breath. ] That whole dream was real?

[ Something lurches in Koushuu's chest when Eijun smiles at him like that, which isn't necessarily a new thing for him, but this is a - different situation. This is something that rattles freely in his ribs, because he's not trying to squash it down or ignore it or channel it into something annoyed or angry. So instead of making an irritated noise or staring flatly at him, he just ducks his head a little under the sweep of his bangs and lets Eijun climb in so he can close the window.

It's a clumsy, dangerous sort of thing that he does, something that leaves him expecting him to fall over, but as always. He manages it.

And, as always, there's no concept of personal space between them. Eijun is right there, and Koushuu just looks back at him, a reminder that they're now the same height after years and years and years of him lagging behind in height. Lagging behind in everything, it's felt like, until these last two years.

He huffs a quiet noise at the apology, almost amused but partially dismissive. It's - whatever. ] You suck at reading tone.

[ Not that Koushuu ever has much of a tone over text, half the time. But his eyes slide away, breaking eye contact with the question. ] It was some weird retrospec stuff, but... yeah. It was real.

And Okumura boy's definitely not a liar. [ he says that fairly cheerfully, for someone who's having a bit of a revelation. koushuu doesn't seem weirder than usual, for what it's worth, which lets eijun just keep trucking on. it's what he does best, after all.

...besides, he's feeling like he never really has, before. even back at home, he's never had time for anyone else, for romantic feelings--they've always been lost on eijun, too obsessed with his baseball to even let anyone catch his eye. but here's koushuu, just as obsessed, his partner on the field, who could be his partner here off of it, too.

he smiles. it's warm, again, brightening up his eyes and his face and making him turn a little pink under his freckles. eijun's hands shoot down and he grabs both of koushuu's, a not utterly unfamiliar gesture between them, then squeezes tight. ] So all that stuff you said, you really meant it? I didn't even think you liked me like--you know, a friend, and stuff, and you-- has it been a long time?! It has to have been, right?! Oh, arrrgh, I'm an idiot, it's totally been a long time and I didn't even notice!!

[ he's talking about a mile a minute, here. ] Koushuu likes me!

There's no point in lying. [ Sarcastic, dry comments that are backhanded? Sure. But lying is pointless and stupid, and is obvious in just how biting he can be when he's honest about something. Koushuu and Eijun have straightforward honesty in common, although one is brutal while the other is just - cheerful, like right now.

He still isn't looking at him, thankfully blue again eyes focused just past his ear at the wall as he takes a moment to compose himself. Which means, of course, that Eijun takes his hands. The gesture causes him to snap to attention again, meeting that stupidly bright and sunshiney gaze of Eijun's head-on instead of backing down. The pink makes his freckles almost pop, just a little more, like brown sugar that won't actually pale all that much in the winter months. Something he's always marveled at, stupidly.

His fingers still feel a little cold, but he realizes pretty quickly they're warming up again as he gives in and actually curls their fingers together.

(When Eijun says his name, Koushuu squeezes back.) ]

You're the most stupidly dense person I've ever met in my entire life. The most dense. [ It doesn't seem particularly mean, for once, though. ] Even your brother has known since we were in middle school.

[ this whole moment feels totally surreal, to be honest--koushuu's holding his hands, which is weird in its own right, but he's also admitting to the fact that apparently he has feelings for eijun. no one's ever confessed to him before, so he's not really entirely sure how to handle it, but he knows that it's positive. he feels happy, not upset he might leave someone behind because of baseball, because--

koushuu loves it as much as he does. their whole relationship has been built on a battery, and the trust and rapport that they started in middle school has led them to this, now. he's never really thought about koushuu romantically until this very moment, either, but now? now it feels like he's opened his eyes, to the just barely pink color on his cheeks, to the bright blue of his newly returned eye color, to--well, his insults. rude. ] Hey! Wait--you told oniichan, and you didn't tell me?! Okumura!!

[ he's almost pouting, big puppy eyes sparkling with it--it's an overall childish expression, because there's still a smile tugging at his mouth, like he can't stop it from happening. ] And it's been that long?! Man, I'm a jerk! But--hey, you're a bigger one, you could've said something!!

[ he squeezes his hands, again, and this time, pushes his fingers between koushuu's to lace them together. he's always been tactile, aggressively so, and apparently having that wall between them down makes that about a hundred times worse. (better?) ]

Are you kidding me? Of course I didn't tell him. He figured it out himself. [ And then they never talked about it, because Ryousuke Sawamura could simply smile ominously and that was enough of a conversation for him on the average day. Koushuu can read between the lines, just like everybody else except for Eijun. Yukine figured it out without him having to tell him - although he admitted it - Anya, Mao, Chiyo...

Literally, pretty much everyone he's known since he met Eijun has known that he's had a stupid, big crush on him. And his cheeks flush a little more with color as their fingers lace together, but he doesn't... pull away from him at all. Instead, he curls his own tighter, tethering them both there because he's not sure what to do with himself otherwise. ]

Baseball was more important. [ It's a simple admission, and blunt. ] I didn't... [ Koushuu makes an agitated noise, wolfish as always, before muttering something in French under his breath - the one language they don't share, which leaves him ample room to bitch when in Eijun's presence. But, he continues anyways. ] I didn't want something to happen to our battery, if I told you. That was more important than any feelings I might have had.

[ at this moment, eijun's having a very sudden realization. yukine talked to him a few months ago, about dating someone who liked baseball... you can almost see the realization across his face, big brown eyes getting wide for a brief second. ]

Everyone really did know... [ of course, because he's eijun who doesn't believe in thinking quietly to himself, but at least it's kind of sweet? he sounds genuinely touched instead of horrified or mad or anything else, just sort of half smiling to himself and looking down at their hands. ]

Koushuu!! [ he says, rather loudly, squeezing their hands tight. ] Even if something bad happened I still would've been part of your battery!! [ he gives their hands a little shake, as if intensifying that. ] And now we just get to get even stronger, right? Cause we get to get even closer!

So--we're gonna date, right? [ and there it is. blunt and bullheaded and straightforward: leave it to sawamura eijun to just spit it right out. ]

[ As the realization sinks in, Koushuu makes himself roll his eyes, for his own sake, because of course he finally understands everything. Or, well, a lot of things at the very least. He can predict his batterymate to a degree, but some things are just truly lost on him. How his mind works a lot of the time? One of those things.

But he jolts a little when he shouts his name, exasperated with both Eijun for his volume and himself for being startled (and for his heart doing a weird flipflop when he calls him Koushuu). But he squeezes his hands to still them, trapping Eijun's thumbs with his own to get a little control of his movements. After all, someone has to rein him in. ]

You would've, but it could've been awkward - [ And that sure grinds to a halt. Blunt, bullheaded, too honest in a genuine way. Koushuu's face floods with actual color, now, but he ducks his head and sighs instead of saying something biting. ] ... is that what you want?

[ ever a tactless idiot, eijun blurts out: ] You're blushing! [ because how could he not? koushuu's like, a million shades lighter than eijun, and it's so obvious. it feels like yukine and anya and everyone opened his eyes up to this whole new side of his batterymate. he's cute, now that eijun kind of thinks about it.

so, as honest as anything, he smiles at him. ] Yup. Is that what you want?

[ very seriously, as he's squeezing koushuu's hand, because okay, he might be interested in him suddenly, but there's a certain relationship of theirs that transcends any sort of romance or friendship. ] As batterymates, we gotta be honest with each other, after all!

[ Koushuu's lip curls the second Eijun points out the fact he's blushing, though it just - makes his face color darker, an unfortunate side effect of his mother's genes. Not everyone can be a tanned farm boy, okay? ] Shut up.

[ There's minimal heat, though, as he definitely doesn't let go of his hands and stares back at him. Honest, huh. He's spent the years since he was like - twelve not being completely honest with himself or with Eijun. He's known, of course, but he took so long to tell him the truth when usually he doesn't hesitate to say what's on his mind.

But now, here it is. Right in front of his face. ] ... yeah, we're gonna date. I want to.

Great!! [ and, true to form, eijun brightens up like the sun--he's smiling, ear to ear, eyes lit up, looking delighted with this brand new development.

he doesn't really know what to do with it, though. he's not sure what the next step is, so he just squeezes koushuu's hands again, nice and tight. ] Then... we have to go out to dinner, or something, right?! And dress really nice! And I can bring you flowers and stuff!!

[ someone who watches too many hallmark movies.png ]

you know it's just the way i am

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